I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
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A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
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And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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