I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
