so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
