I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
