I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
