rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
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