Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
