either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
