His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
