Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
