Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
