I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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