Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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