my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
