I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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