Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
