I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
