Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
you had me at cake vodka
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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