why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
