My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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