last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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