if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
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