He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.