Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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