i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
