Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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