i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
