I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Randomize
