What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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