Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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