She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
He did a backflip because drugs
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
