I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
