i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
