I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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