Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
