well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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