hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
