so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
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Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
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Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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