I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
