Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
