Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
