I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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