dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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