apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
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