Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
