My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
