in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
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