It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
