Ambien. No doubt about it.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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