Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
