i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?