Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.