i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I came so hard my ears popped.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
