my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
