you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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