hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
