you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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