What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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