i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
