I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
